Do you, William of Wales, take Kate Middleton to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness, health and various tabloid scandals? To hold and cherish whilst flying the flag for an outdated and archaic monarchy which continues to leech off British taxpayers while in return delivering such balanced and well-meaning human specimens such as Prince Phillip and Prince Harry? Do you agree to love, honour and obey each other, as well as to allow your media circus titled "The Royal Wedding" to dominate all major news coverage, as it is clearly more important than what's happening in Libya, Syria and Christmas Island? Do you promise to smile, wave and titter about at every waking moment for the benefit of women's magazines, without which millions of intellectually-starved housewives would simultaneously cancel their subscriptions to Woman's Day and That's Life and thus be forced to have nothing to read in various medical waiting rooms? Finally, do you agree to specifically censor The Chaser whilst letting everyone else and their dog cover the royal event? If so... congratu-fucking-lations.
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