As England enters its fifth day of widespread looting and rioting in various cities, the British government has requested assistance from the world’s current leading experts in riots and civil unrest. After Los Angeles’ S.W.A.T. unit failed to respond, however, the next best people were recommended: Colonel Muammar Gaddafi of Libya, and President Bashar Al-Assad of Syria.
The two world leaders have had to deal with civilian uprisings in their own countries this year, each one opting to send infantry and artillery against unarmed civilian protestors and ethnic minorities alike, rather than instituting reforms or stabilising their countries. Having failed to achieve anything other than further civil unrest and bloodshed in their own nations, Gaddafi and Al-Assad have now joined forces to try their luck (and new dictator uniforms) against roving looters and rioters in the English cities of Birmingham, Manchester and London.
A spokesperson for both heads of state today commented, “It has been hard on both of them lately, what with their own uprisings and all. They were both so sure that they could work things out with their people, but unfortunately no one has the taste for totalitarianism and endless parades of outdated Russian military hardware anymore. Now that England’s going up in smoke, they have decided that a change in scene and cannon fodder would do them both good... and also save them from US sanctions.”
The selection process that Gaddafi and Al-Assad have used for deciding where to deploy themselves has been an arduous and exhaustive system. It is believed that they opted to help with England’s civil unrest after dismissing Darfur as “too hot”, Greece as “too poor”, and Egypt and Tunisia as “what problem?”
In response for winning the selection criteria, a spokesperson from 10 Downing St stated today, “This is in fact a win-win situation for all nations involved; they are going to help us restore order to our streets, and in return we’ll be keeping them from trying to restore order in their streets back in Syria and Libya. Our citizens will be safe from the gangs of roving thugs, and the Syrian and Libyan people will be safe from... well, gangs of roving thugs.”
There are concerns that their strong-arm military tactics will be at odds with the largely youth-oriented unrest in the industrial cities and working-class suburbs of England. However, sociologists and political analysts have pointed out that while their crackdowns may seem excessive and violent in the face of civilian protestors demanding reforms, they might fare more successfully against English hooligans who feel that their unemployment is best alleviated by burning shops and other possible places of employment, and who also feel that the best way to protest against the death of a minor gang member is to steal PlayStations and various items of designer apparel.
No comments:
Post a Comment