Tiger Airways Still Selling Tickets... For Singapore Airline’s Cargo Hold

Australian domestic carrier Tiger Airways today unveiled an audacious plan to resume services and meet consumer demands in the face of ongoing Civil Aviation Safety Authority investigation- and it will weigh heavily on the cargo holds of its parent carrier, Singapore Airlines.

In a bid to prevent further ticket refunds while simultaneously co-operating with the civil aviation board’s ban on domestic flights following safety concerns, the local carrier has begun issuing seating for space in the cargo and baggage areas of Singapore Airline’s international flights. Today’s statement confirmed that several services would now be streamlined as a result of the move, such as meals, check-ins, in-flight entertainment and sanitary requirements, although safety standards would actually improve over what they were prior to the grounding.

The airline has addressed the glaring issue of utilising international carriers for domestic routes by insisting that parachutes will be made standard on all flights from next month. It is understood that Tiger Airways’ safety team has ordered copies of The A-Team television show and several James Bond films as a means of understanding parachute safety and deployment.

An airline spokesman further clarified: “We understand that this may seem like a rash and greedy move on our part to try and recover our considerable losses, however we want to ensure everyone that this has been planned for months. Why else do you think we had two planes fly under the minimum safety height over Melbourne last month? They were simply practicing future domestic drops! And I must also stress that apart from nearly clipping the control tower and what may have been a duck, they did a pretty good job.”

The move has already won some support from the consumers, particularly from one Sydneysider, who, thanks to today’s announcement, is now planning to change his workplace to Melbourne whilst residing in Sydney. His rationale behind the move is that a flight and subsequent parachute drop into Melbourne from Sydney would be much faster than to drive on Sydney’s motorways in peak-hour traffic.

Australia Follows Through With Banning Of Live Banana Exports

Following the decision to ban live cattle exports to Indonesia after reports of cruelty and maiming to livestock, the Australian government has stepped up its strong rhetoric by deciding to cease all of its global exports of live bananas.

The ban was announced by Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd earlier today, who clarified that the prohibition would specifically protect two of Australia’s greatest foreign exports- the Bananas in Pyjamas. Today’s announcement came amid fears that upon export to foreign nations, the bananas are not treated with the humanity and respect normally accorded to two human-size bananas of dubious orientation dressed in flannel who allegedly catch teddy bears.

In a press release, Mr Rudd said, “Now that we have shown the Indonesians that we actually care about how a cow feels before sinking our collective teeth into millions of dollars worth of Big Macs and barbecues every year, the next important point on Australia’s foreign agenda is to keep our children’s television shows from being steamrolled and bullied by foreign competitors. I mean, let’s face it, if you just watched  two giant transforming robots beat the crap out of each other on television, why would you then watch half an hour of two not-quite-giant bananas running up and down stairs? After all, it’s all about having a fair shake of the sauce bottle, isn’t it?”

Mr Rudd continued, “Our decision to prevent the Bananas In Pyjamas from being exported and enjoyed overseas stems from our belief that these particular childrens’ icons are to be treasured and not commercialised. We can instead safely leave that to The Wiggles, Bindi Irwin, Hi-5, and other non fruit-related children’s shows.”

The move was supported by Queensland MP and Akubra model Bob Katter, who went on record to rave (again) about the importance of Australian bananas. Upon being informed that the bananas in question are not consumable nor specifically from Queensland, Mr Katter then proceeded to rant about the evils of climate change, the "nanny state" and homosexuality until journalists abandoned the press conference for mental self-preservation. It is believed that Mr Katter is still speaking.