We Will Get Al-Qaeda Leader... Soon-ish: U.S.

The U.S. government has warned the new leader of Al-Qaeda that he will share a similar fate to his deceased predecessor- to live in safety for another 10 years with the help of Pakistan.

A statement from the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff earlier today confirmed the ten-year plan by the U.S. to take down Ayman Al-Zawahiri, who was a surgeon prior to developing an affinity for terrorist leadership, religious extremism, knowledge of large-scale ordinance and zumba. 

The plan will rely on a combination of proven strategies to meet its goal, including faulty intelligence, multiple drone strikes resulting in civilian deaths, full-scale invasion of several nations with little to no nuclear capabilities, and outsourcing their foreign policy to allied nations governed by corruption and violent civil unrest.

A White House spokesperson further confirmed, “In the last ten years, Osama Bin Laden gave our foreign policy and military-industrial complex a sense of purpose and focus, and frankly it was kind of fun to spend billions of dollars chasing after him instead of just researching cancer or renewable energy. With him dead, we’ve now set our sights on Al-Zawahiri, and justice will find him... but not just yet, since we’ve got a shitload of back-orders for Predator drones and F-22 fighter jets to clear. Maybe we can sell them to Israel...”

Mr Al-Zawahiri could not be contacted for further comment, but it is understood that he is currently looking into Pakistan’s property market following today’s announcement. Reports suggest that he may be considering a long-term move to Libya, as it remains a hell lot safer for him there than Abbottabad was for Bin Laden.

Ten Reasons Why The World Won't End in 2012

 

1.       God realised that trying to organise 6 billion people into an orderly line for final judgment would have made Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers look humane and well-developed.

2.       MasterChef is still on.

3.       God actually decided to flood the world again, then he remembered Waterworld with Kevin Costner.

4.       There are still several female junior staffers on Silvio Berlusconi’s campaign team that he hasn’t slept with or sexually harassed yet.

5.       It was just a massive prank started by someone who just wanted to get laid. In other news, Prince Harry and Princess Catherine are still happily married.

6.       Despite his political career and marriage going up in flames, Arnold Schwarzenegger still owes us for “Batman and Robin” and “Kindergarten Cop.”

7.       God figured that even if the world does end, somehow someone would STILL put a stupid planking photo up on Facebook.

8.       Bruce Willis already destroyed the meteor more than 10 years ago, in a documentary called “Armageddon.”

9.       There’s just not enough cocktail glasses or nachos in heaven for everyone (although there’s a guy up there who can do pretty good with five fishes and a loaf of bread).

10.   God just doesn'tt know what to do with all the atheists.

The Royal Wedding Vows... or at least, how they SHOULD have been.

Do you, William of Wales, take Kate Middleton to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness, health and various tabloid scandals? To hold and cherish whilst flying the flag for an outdated and archaic monarchy which continues to leech off British taxpayers while in return delivering such balanced and well-meaning human specimens such as Prince Phillip and Prince Harry? Do you agree to love, honour and obey each other, as well as to allow your media circus titled "The Royal Wedding" to dominate all major news coverage, as it is clearly more important than what's happening in Libya, Syria and Christmas Island? Do you promise to smile, wave and titter about at every waking moment for the benefit of women's magazines, without which millions of intellectually-starved housewives would simultaneously cancel their subscriptions to Woman's Day and That's Life and thus be forced to have nothing to read in various medical waiting rooms? Finally, do you agree to specifically censor The Chaser whilst letting everyone else and their dog cover the royal event? If so... congratu-fucking-lations.

Welcome!

Welcome to News for Creative Lunatics! If you're after a view of today's news, current affairs and other topical morsels that aren't constrained by strange concepts such as "serious", "boring", "realism", "verified", "newsworthy" and "Fox News", then you've come to the right place. It's a little difficult to describe what will be posted here, but the best I can say now is that it will attempt to be a satirical take on news and other current events, without letting the real world facts get in the way of good news. To get things rolling, I'll post something that I put up a few months earlier, partly to give an idea of what one can expect, and partly because writing it up convinced me to start this blog. So thanks for sticking around long enough to read this intro, tell all your friends about it, and I hope you get a kick out of it!

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www.dailytelegraph.com.au

Cheers!