The U.S. government has warned the new leader of Al-Qaeda that he will share a similar fate to his deceased predecessor- to live in safety for another 10 years with the help of Pakistan.
A statement from the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff earlier today confirmed the ten-year plan by the U.S. to take down Ayman Al-Zawahiri, who was a surgeon prior to developing an affinity for terrorist leadership, religious extremism, knowledge of large-scale ordinance and zumba.
The plan will rely on a combination of proven strategies to meet its goal, including faulty intelligence, multiple drone strikes resulting in civilian deaths, full-scale invasion of several nations with little to no nuclear capabilities, and outsourcing their foreign policy to allied nations governed by corruption and violent civil unrest.
A White House spokesperson further confirmed, “In the last ten years, Osama Bin Laden gave our foreign policy and military-industrial complex a sense of purpose and focus, and frankly it was kind of fun to spend billions of dollars chasing after him instead of just researching cancer or renewable energy. With him dead, we’ve now set our sights on Al-Zawahiri, and justice will find him... but not just yet, since we’ve got a shitload of back-orders for Predator drones and F-22 fighter jets to clear. Maybe we can sell them to Israel...”
Mr Al-Zawahiri could not be contacted for further comment, but it is understood that he is currently looking into Pakistan’s property market following today’s announcement. Reports suggest that he may be considering a long-term move to Libya, as it remains a hell lot safer for him there than Abbottabad was for Bin Laden.
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