Russia, China Vetoes UN, Sends Al-Assad To Naughty Corner

Following a failed United Nations Security Council resolution to bring an end to the ongoing bloodshed in Syria, Russia and China have proposed a radical new solution to bring decisive action against the Syrian president Bashar Al-Assad- to send him to the naughty corner to think about what he has done.

The announcement comes after both nations vetoed the US-led resolution to condemn and oust the Syrian leader on Sunday. In the wake of international anger at their inaction, both nations have instead called for Al-Assad to be extradited to the United Nations General Assembly, where he will be stripped off his command over government forces and made to sit in a corner of the Assembly room until either recess or lunchtime. The announcement also makes clear that if the violence against civilians escalates within the city of Homs, then Al-Assad may be forced to remain in the internationally-shunned corner all through lunch time as well.

A joint statement released to the media today continued: “Despite what everyone else is saying, we are not abandoning the Syrian people nor are we letting the bloodshed continue. In fact, we believe that if the Syrian people have been good enough to hold out for 11 months against government crackdowns and massacres, then surely they can hold out for just a little longer while Al-Assad has withdrawal symptoms from being separated from his military chain of command.”

Response from the international community has been mixed, with some nations believing that the naughty corner undermines the very fabric of international relations, while others are calling for similar measures to be implemented, such as letters sent home from the UN Security Council. Elsewhere, the resolution received some support, albeit with minor modifications. The United States has surprisingly considered the resolution, so long as the naughty corner is relocated to Guantanamo Bay or Abu Ghraib.

There have been rumours within the international community that the real reason for Russia and China blocking the earlier resolution is because they have been in fact supplying weapons and arms to government forces to be used against unarmed locals in Syria. When questioned about this, a Russian spokesperson replied: “We have been assured by the Syrian government that it is quite impossible for imported weapons to have been used against civilians, simply because there are no “civilians” in Syria anymore... just “rebel non-combatants.” Syria now has the lowest number of civilian deaths than any other country in the world!”

Australia Now Deporting Fairness and Equality from Migration Laws

Following the High Court of Australia’s decision to rule offshore refugee processing as illegal, the Australian government is now pursuing an option that has been the cornerstone of Australian immigration law since federation- to amend, revoke and generally fuck with established domestic legislation.

In a move that would have seen John Howard declare a national holiday/early election, the Gillard government has considered a range of measures to bypass the High Court’s decision. These have included renaming the Migration Act 1954 to the Anti-Immigration Act 2011, to increase migration and refugee review fees to sums that would rival Greece’s financial deficit, and to further attempt to deter people smugglers by renaming Christmas Island to Christmas Ireland, thus creating the illusion of national debt and financial crises.

In addition, the federal government has rolled out a new class of visas in response to both the High Court’s decision as well as the Prime Minister’s plummeting popularity in the polls. Titled “Overboard Visas,” these will be automatically granted to the unaccompanied minors specifically so that they can be thrown overboard and then photographed for election purposes. The rationale behind this is that it worked fantastically well for the Howard government’s re-election in 2001.

In retaliation to claims that the government is ignoring the status of asylum seekers, a spokesperson for the Department of Immigration and Citizenship replied today: “Australia is fully dedicated to recognising the right of refugees to seek asylum... they sail to our shores, and we place them in Villawood Detention Centre and Christmas Island, which are run like asylums anyway.”

On the question of whether funds should instead be diverted to fix our current processing system and speed it up, the reply was: “That is not an option that this government is prepared to consider. If this country even contemplates offering justice and a fair go for asylum seekers, the consequences would be disastrous. What would the people smugglers think of us then? We’d end up with more incoming vessels than a Pirates of the Caribbean sequel! We simply cannot afford to be soft on this.”

The moves have been hailed by conservatives as in keeping with a great Australian tradition that dates back to Federation: to legislate against outsiders equally, especially those who have not reached our shores yet.

Gaddafi, Al-Assad Eager To Crack Down On UK Rioters

As England enters its fifth day of widespread looting and rioting in various cities, the British government has requested assistance from the world’s current leading experts in riots and civil unrest. After Los Angeles’ S.W.A.T. unit failed to respond, however, the next best people were recommended: Colonel Muammar Gaddafi of Libya, and President Bashar Al-Assad of Syria.

The two world leaders have had to deal with civilian uprisings in their own countries this year, each one opting to send infantry and artillery against unarmed civilian protestors and ethnic minorities alike, rather than instituting reforms or stabilising their countries. Having failed to achieve anything other than further civil unrest and bloodshed in their own nations, Gaddafi and Al-Assad have now joined forces to try their luck (and new dictator uniforms) against roving looters and rioters in the English cities of Birmingham, Manchester and London.

A spokesperson for both heads of state today commented, “It has been hard on both of them lately, what with their own uprisings and all. They were both so sure that they could work things out with their people, but unfortunately no one has the taste for totalitarianism and endless parades of outdated Russian military hardware anymore. Now that England’s going up in smoke, they have decided that a change in scene and cannon fodder would do them both good... and also save them from US sanctions.”

The selection process that Gaddafi and Al-Assad have used for deciding where to deploy themselves has been an arduous and exhaustive system. It is believed that they opted to help with England’s civil unrest after dismissing Darfur as “too hot”, Greece as “too poor”, and Egypt and Tunisia as “what problem?”

In response for winning the selection criteria, a spokesperson from 10 Downing St stated today, “This is in fact a win-win situation for all nations involved; they are going to help us restore order to our streets, and in return we’ll be keeping them from trying to restore order in their streets back in Syria and Libya. Our citizens will be safe from the gangs of roving thugs, and the Syrian and Libyan people will be safe from... well, gangs of roving thugs.”

There are concerns that their strong-arm military tactics will be at odds with the largely youth-oriented unrest in the industrial cities and working-class suburbs of England. However, sociologists and political analysts have pointed out that while their crackdowns may seem excessive and violent in the face of civilian protestors demanding reforms, they might fare more successfully against English hooligans who feel that their unemployment is best alleviated by burning shops and other possible places of employment, and who also feel that the best way to protest against the death of a minor gang member is to steal PlayStations and various items of designer apparel.

Tiger Airways Still Selling Tickets... For Singapore Airline’s Cargo Hold

Australian domestic carrier Tiger Airways today unveiled an audacious plan to resume services and meet consumer demands in the face of ongoing Civil Aviation Safety Authority investigation- and it will weigh heavily on the cargo holds of its parent carrier, Singapore Airlines.

In a bid to prevent further ticket refunds while simultaneously co-operating with the civil aviation board’s ban on domestic flights following safety concerns, the local carrier has begun issuing seating for space in the cargo and baggage areas of Singapore Airline’s international flights. Today’s statement confirmed that several services would now be streamlined as a result of the move, such as meals, check-ins, in-flight entertainment and sanitary requirements, although safety standards would actually improve over what they were prior to the grounding.

The airline has addressed the glaring issue of utilising international carriers for domestic routes by insisting that parachutes will be made standard on all flights from next month. It is understood that Tiger Airways’ safety team has ordered copies of The A-Team television show and several James Bond films as a means of understanding parachute safety and deployment.

An airline spokesman further clarified: “We understand that this may seem like a rash and greedy move on our part to try and recover our considerable losses, however we want to ensure everyone that this has been planned for months. Why else do you think we had two planes fly under the minimum safety height over Melbourne last month? They were simply practicing future domestic drops! And I must also stress that apart from nearly clipping the control tower and what may have been a duck, they did a pretty good job.”

The move has already won some support from the consumers, particularly from one Sydneysider, who, thanks to today’s announcement, is now planning to change his workplace to Melbourne whilst residing in Sydney. His rationale behind the move is that a flight and subsequent parachute drop into Melbourne from Sydney would be much faster than to drive on Sydney’s motorways in peak-hour traffic.

Australia Follows Through With Banning Of Live Banana Exports

Following the decision to ban live cattle exports to Indonesia after reports of cruelty and maiming to livestock, the Australian government has stepped up its strong rhetoric by deciding to cease all of its global exports of live bananas.

The ban was announced by Foreign Minister Kevin Rudd earlier today, who clarified that the prohibition would specifically protect two of Australia’s greatest foreign exports- the Bananas in Pyjamas. Today’s announcement came amid fears that upon export to foreign nations, the bananas are not treated with the humanity and respect normally accorded to two human-size bananas of dubious orientation dressed in flannel who allegedly catch teddy bears.

In a press release, Mr Rudd said, “Now that we have shown the Indonesians that we actually care about how a cow feels before sinking our collective teeth into millions of dollars worth of Big Macs and barbecues every year, the next important point on Australia’s foreign agenda is to keep our children’s television shows from being steamrolled and bullied by foreign competitors. I mean, let’s face it, if you just watched  two giant transforming robots beat the crap out of each other on television, why would you then watch half an hour of two not-quite-giant bananas running up and down stairs? After all, it’s all about having a fair shake of the sauce bottle, isn’t it?”

Mr Rudd continued, “Our decision to prevent the Bananas In Pyjamas from being exported and enjoyed overseas stems from our belief that these particular childrens’ icons are to be treasured and not commercialised. We can instead safely leave that to The Wiggles, Bindi Irwin, Hi-5, and other non fruit-related children’s shows.”

The move was supported by Queensland MP and Akubra model Bob Katter, who went on record to rave (again) about the importance of Australian bananas. Upon being informed that the bananas in question are not consumable nor specifically from Queensland, Mr Katter then proceeded to rant about the evils of climate change, the "nanny state" and homosexuality until journalists abandoned the press conference for mental self-preservation. It is believed that Mr Katter is still speaking.

We Will Get Al-Qaeda Leader... Soon-ish: U.S.

The U.S. government has warned the new leader of Al-Qaeda that he will share a similar fate to his deceased predecessor- to live in safety for another 10 years with the help of Pakistan.

A statement from the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff earlier today confirmed the ten-year plan by the U.S. to take down Ayman Al-Zawahiri, who was a surgeon prior to developing an affinity for terrorist leadership, religious extremism, knowledge of large-scale ordinance and zumba. 

The plan will rely on a combination of proven strategies to meet its goal, including faulty intelligence, multiple drone strikes resulting in civilian deaths, full-scale invasion of several nations with little to no nuclear capabilities, and outsourcing their foreign policy to allied nations governed by corruption and violent civil unrest.

A White House spokesperson further confirmed, “In the last ten years, Osama Bin Laden gave our foreign policy and military-industrial complex a sense of purpose and focus, and frankly it was kind of fun to spend billions of dollars chasing after him instead of just researching cancer or renewable energy. With him dead, we’ve now set our sights on Al-Zawahiri, and justice will find him... but not just yet, since we’ve got a shitload of back-orders for Predator drones and F-22 fighter jets to clear. Maybe we can sell them to Israel...”

Mr Al-Zawahiri could not be contacted for further comment, but it is understood that he is currently looking into Pakistan’s property market following today’s announcement. Reports suggest that he may be considering a long-term move to Libya, as it remains a hell lot safer for him there than Abbottabad was for Bin Laden.

Ten Reasons Why The World Won't End in 2012

 

1.       God realised that trying to organise 6 billion people into an orderly line for final judgment would have made Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers look humane and well-developed.

2.       MasterChef is still on.

3.       God actually decided to flood the world again, then he remembered Waterworld with Kevin Costner.

4.       There are still several female junior staffers on Silvio Berlusconi’s campaign team that he hasn’t slept with or sexually harassed yet.

5.       It was just a massive prank started by someone who just wanted to get laid. In other news, Prince Harry and Princess Catherine are still happily married.

6.       Despite his political career and marriage going up in flames, Arnold Schwarzenegger still owes us for “Batman and Robin” and “Kindergarten Cop.”

7.       God figured that even if the world does end, somehow someone would STILL put a stupid planking photo up on Facebook.

8.       Bruce Willis already destroyed the meteor more than 10 years ago, in a documentary called “Armageddon.”

9.       There’s just not enough cocktail glasses or nachos in heaven for everyone (although there’s a guy up there who can do pretty good with five fishes and a loaf of bread).

10.   God just doesn'tt know what to do with all the atheists.